The Authentic Lesbian Review: Shadow Army
Shadow Army is…different. It was twisted, dark, funny and at times downright creepy. I never watched a ZFX Productions flick before but word around the office has always been that you will be, and stay, entertained. The office was right. I decided on Shadow Army and found myself, on more than one occasion, sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for whatever was coming next. The production and editing easily rival all the top studios, and it’s impossible not to appreciate all that hard work, but I personally did not find this to be a sexual turn-on at all. Mentally, I was definitely tuned in.
Scene 1
Candle Boxxx is in her office on a phone call with a mysterious sheik transferring millions of US dollars to a Middle Eastern Humanitarian Fund account, and of course the US Government isn’t having any part of that. The NSA is listening, as usual, and an alert for Kimberly Alastair Smith, Candle’s character, pops up on a gigantic screen with the words “Operation Clockwork.” Already I’m in love with the production. The special effects are cool as fuck and I’m completely sold on the government conspiracy theme they have going on. Anyway, some dude named Simon launches Operation Shadow Army and immediately takes a phone call instructing him to “keep your mouth shut” and “work her hard.”
What happens next is very strange, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Actually, I know exactly how it makes me feel, which is definitely not horny, but I’ll lay it all out there and let you decide. Candle is shredding papers and typing up memos back in her office when suddenly she starts twitching and itching crackhead style. Before you know it an invisible force is in full effect, punching and smacking her while ripping her clothes off. Candle does a great job selling the whole thing and it’s funny as hell watching her bug-out under the force of some invisible person. Her being pushed onto a couch took me back to the fond memories of Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy Jeff out of his house every chance he could. From here her panties are pulled down and the invisible being starts fucking her. You realize there are actually two invisible things fucking her when this happens…
Exactly! There’s no way to take that shit seriously, right!? And just when I thought, well, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but this jizz that just squirts all over her from out of the air did not help.
After the deed is done, there’s a flash and Candle is waking up, jizz-free, thank the Lord, and trying to figure out where her clothes are, what the hell just happened, and why her sticky hair smells like bleach. She convinces herself that she’s a powerful overworked woman, gathers her clothes, and lies back down on the couch. It’s hilarious on the surface and completely scary when you think about what you just watched. Like Lifetime TV assault/blame-the-victim movie scary…
Scene 2
So Candle is trying to nap when Jon O’Brien and Earl Greenwood decide to fuck that all up kidnap her ass. The point of operation Shadow Army is to torture and get information out of her, and that’s more the focal point in this scene. I’m not even sure director Rick Masters would call anything about this one sexy. The masked men tie Candle up in the back of a van and while one drives the other pulls out a taser gun and shocks the living shit out of her repeatedly until she passes out.
I wasn’t as disturbed by this scene as I was the first, even though it’s still giving off that creepy assault vibe because I knew there was no way her body could handle all that electricity. It’s so over the top I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud! This woman is hands down the best at faking convulsions and her screams were so convincing I actually closed my eyes and winced at the thought of all the fake pain she must be going through.
Scene 3
Jon and Earl take Candle out of the van and into a warehouse dungeon where they punch and slap her around some more until she passes out again. Finally, we get a little dialogue when Jon takes Candle’s ball gag out and starts to ask about the sheik. Candle’s no dummy and demands that her rights be respected and acknowledged to which government agent Jon yells out “Patriot Act” and my hate for Tom Brady is all I can think about (Go Ravens!) which is totally fueling my hate for government guy Jon. I actually rooted for Candle when she spits in his face in response to a ridiculously specific question about the sheik’s whereabouts. Then government Jon flips the script and tells Candle that she’s actually the accountant for the head of a terrorist group called Clockwork and the money she’s been helping him move around is actually funding the group’s illegal activities. Candle isn’t buying it and decides she’d rather take her punishment, so back in goes the ball gag, and outcomes more electrostimulation toys.
I think I was able to fully enjoy this scene and all its tortuous glory because I got to see, for the first time so far, Candle’s character comes to life. She’s feisty and quick-witted when talking with Jon and actually seeing and hearing the character made shit less creepy for me. That being the case, it’s still pretty creepy and gets downright scary after the initial electro stimulation. At first government, Jon is using some sort of electricity wand and Candle’s body reactions are again hilarious. Every time he touches her torso or breasts her body shakes with so much force you can’t help but laugh. It doesn’t look real (thank god!), but she does a great job of making it entertaining. Then Jon goes completely psycho and decides to hook a car battery up to Candle’s pussy with jumper cables and attaches the entire thing to a timer!
Talk about being completely glued to the screen! I couldn’t believe what I was watching! There’s no way anyone could live through a shock of that force every 15 seconds, but just thinking about the possibility was enough to make me cringe. The camera angles are really good throughout the film, but this scene particularly stood out because they made sure to get every angle imaginable as she swings through the air, hands still bound, convulsing with every shock. You can see the beads of sweat covering her entire body (workout idea!) and the sound of the timer is cool because it enhances the shock value (see what I did there…). You already know she’s going to get shocked, but hearing the timer countdown builds up the anticipation, like the background music in a scary movie. Anyway, the poor girl passes out from the constant electro torture, and just when you think she’s going to get a little break, Jon and Earl walk back in, hang her upside down, rip her stockings completely off, and proceed to flog the living shit out of her! She took such a beating that after a while she doesn’t even react to the pain anymore. Her body just hangs there numb.
Scene 4
Candle decides to continue to keep her mouth shut, even after all she’s endured at the hands of the government, but that doesn’t deter her captors from trying. She’s tied down to a stretching table and flogged by government Jon until her tits and torso are completely covered with scratches and bruises while the other agent stretches her bound hands. Just watching her endure all of that at the same time gave me a new respect for Candle Boxxx. That lady is a G! I can imagine her reading the script thinking “oh hey, this sounds like fun!”
The guys leave her there to soak in all her pain and agony before re-entering the room and tying her up with one leg in the air. At this point, Candle realizes things are only going to get worse, and since she still isn’t ready to talk, that only means one thing…more electro stimulation! By now she’s screaming and crying and trying to wiggle herself free, but when Jon puts clothespins on her nipples and pussy lips, it’s a wrap! And when the electricity wand makes its second appearance I couldn’t help but wonder how she could focus on convulsing with those damn pins everywhere. This woman deserves an award!
After shocking her to shit, government Jon puts Candle in a fucking locker with her hands handcuffed to the bar above her. Turns out Jon is losing his patience and since electricity isn’t persuading Candle to give up the knowledge on the sheik he puts her in a cooking box and tells her he’ll see her in the morning if she’s still alive. It’s made to look like the locker has reached over 160 degrees, but before even knowing that I was terrified at the thought of being stuffed in a locker! I never thought much about claustrophobia until now, but if that were me, I’d definitely be dead before the heat was even turned on. Small spaces and the Authentic Lesbian do not get along.
When Jon returns to find Candle still alive from a night in the heat box she’s ready to talk, unfortunately for her though she doesn’t know anything. From everything we know about government Jon thus far it’s safe to guess that this doesn’t make him happy at all, but instead of going for the closest electro toy, she opts for pulling Candle’s hair until she screams out from the pain. He still isn’t getting the answers she wants, so he tells Candle after a night in the heat box he’s going to treat her to some water. The problem is the catch…
See that chair up there? Well, that chair is wired to an electrical doohickey with a metal piece sticking up that’s inserted inside of her. And to top it all off a water hose is stuffed down her throat forcing her to take in way more water than any normal person should! The faces she makes while pretending to suck in all that water are priceless. At one point I was convinced her eyeballs were going to pop out of her head. Other than the facial expressions though this part was pretty boring, I can see where it would be hard to spice up a fake water torture scene.
Her mouth is taped shut with water still in there and finally, the chair machine is turned on and the convulsing starts again. Watching Candle slide up and down on the metal piece sticking up from the chair was kind of hot until the camera goes back to her face and it’s clear she would rather be back in her office. Then all of a sudden there’s a bright flash of light and we’re back in the office, dazed and confused like nothing ever happened. There wasn’t much that I found sexy about this movie at all, but you can’t end like that! I mean, there are so many important questions still out there. Did anyone ever find out where the sheik was and where the money was going? Does Candle just get to live after that shit? Did she at least cum from the electric chair? I need to know!
Overall the movie was entertaining. It forced me to think outside of the box and even to confront a few things I didn’t know I had beef with, like small spaces, but if you’re looking to watch porno and get off I doubt this is the movie for you. If you like Sci-Fi porn with lots of twists, turns, and torture along the way then give Shadow Army a chance. Otherwise, save your money for a better fit.
